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I Just Need to…

November 5, 2013

Do you ever feel like everything is just too much to handle?

I’m sure we’ve all come to a  point where it feels like you’ve been stretched to breaking point.  However, the past 2 months have been really trying for me.  I consider myself pretty adaptable, but I constantly found myself fighting the urge to just shut down and leave everything behind.

Every day became a struggle with a myriad of feelings and events that threatens to overwhelm me at any second.  It took everything I had to just go on and move forward.  It was really hard when everything seems to be going wrong all at the same time.

Today, it culminates into a crescendo (I cannot elaborate on what is happening) and there is nothing I can do but wait and hope for the best.

So here I am.  Exactly 2 months since I last posted anything and I feel and know that I’m no longer the same person who logged in here 2 months ago.  In essence, sure, we constantly change, but not as drastic as I how I feel right now.  I won’t go into details, but it’s just so difficult when you’re going through a lot.  Our whole family is going through a tough moment right now.  We’re all in it and holding on together and I know we will pull through however it turns out, and yet that doesn’t make it any easier.

When some one’s life is hanging in a precarious balance, the fact that you know there is nothing you can do at all is enough to undo you.  Especially when that life is hanging on to the hands of someone you don’t even know or trust.

Personally, I’m going through a lot.  I’ve been so caught up in my life and I can’t help it when tendrils of doubt begin niggling at me.  What am I doing with my life?  Where am I going?  Such questions never fail to put me in a heavy mood.   That’s not the only thing going through my mind, but it is a great chunk of what makes me feel like going crazy lately.

Being in the corporate world means work demands most of your time.  This has been bothering me a lot because there are so many things going on and I feel like I’m up to my eyeballs with the work load.  There are just so many other things I’d like to do and I cannot do it because work seems to be taking everything I have.  There were times when I felt like giving up and turning my back on everything.  But I had too much pride and self-respect for that.   Despite that, I allowed myself to grieve and be sad about what I was going through.  I accepted that I have to fall down if I want to rise back up.

It took a lot of time and thought, and I overanalyzed everything until I was emotionally and mentally exhausted.  Most weekends, I just sleep off the exhaustion until past noon.   As much as I want to work on blog posts or edit the videos I’ve been filming, I just felt like I needed a break from obligations.

There are so many thoughts whirling in my head and I admit that at times, I get sucked into the vortex of negativity.

This is why I haven’t posted anything despite my promises to post reviews.  I really tried to work on them, but I just couldn’t. Honestly, I’d rather not post anything than to publish something that I am not completely happy with.

For the entire month of September, I stuck to a routine because it was taking everything I have to just keep going.  I tried to push myself to at least use blogging as an outlet, but I wasn’t happy with what I came up with so I decided to just take a step back from it.  I took a step back from everything in my life except work.  I poured everything and focused everything in my work.  I also spent more time talking and being with my friends.

It helped.

Last Friday, I went on a spontaneous trip to try something new.  I was hesitant at first, but I was glad I went for it because it made me happy.  Happier than I have been in the past months.

For the first time in what seems like forever, I was able to breathe freely.  It was liberating to just let go of all my worries and have fun again.

To my friends who have been there for me the past few weeks, I can’t thank you enough.  If you’re reading this, then you know who you are.

I’m starting to heal now.  It’s a slow and painful process when you’re healing emotional wounds, but I know I’ll be fine.

You might ask, ‘so why are you writing this’?  I’m writing this to remind myself of what I went through and all that I still have to go through.  I’m writing this to remind myself that I am strong enough to pull through.  Most of all, I’m writing this to remind myself that I have to go back to this point and pick up where I left off.

There’s enough time for that.

Now, I just have to focus stand with my family, now that they need me.

Wish me luck.



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