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Heavy Heart

July 25, 2011

(photo from the internet)

No fashion or outfit post for today because as the title states,

I’m rather heavyhearted and I can’t

bring myself to edit my photos and

make them look cheerup-y.

—–

I don’t want to sound like cliche but if there was a night that ‘d write the saddest lines, this would be it.

I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I think

at some point in our life, all of us stopped and thought:

“Where is my life going/headed?”

“Am I even on the right path/direction?”

or

“Am I even gonna get there?”

Sadly, no amount of shoes, clothes and bags can 

fill the hollowness that self-doubt punches through our hearts.

You might be wondering what brought this on… well someone just told me how unsure he is as to where his life is headed and that he doesn’t know what to do about it.   It unearthed all my dilemmas that I’ve been trying to shove in the back of my head.

Fact # 1: I’m a college fresh grad and I don’t know what I really want to do next.

Well I do have some ideas but I’m scared of trying because…

1. I’m scared of failure

2. I’m scared of the unknown  : future results = currently unknown hitherto it scares me.

3. I don’t like disappointments.

It’s easy to say that it’s better to try and fail than to fail to try but believe me when I say it is SO HARD TO TRY.

I’m sorry for being so pessimistic, and if I’m boring you, feel free to click the “x” button to close this window.  I’m not usually like this but when it comes to thinking about the future, my mind comes up with this big blank wall and it’s depressing.  I don’t know where I’m headed and I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty that it gives me.

Fact #2: I am a 20-year-old graduate from one of the best universities in the country and I’m thinking like I don’t have a future ahead of me.  (DLSU-M mantra : The Future Begins Here.  Well buddy you’re in my past now, so what did you do to my future???! I want it back STAT!)

[Ignore the the sarcastic comment.  I do that when I’m trying to get myself out of a funk.]

So where was I?

It’s not that I don’t have a future.   I’m just unsure of what I really want and school doesn’t teach you how to live your life and how to deal with obstacles.  It’s funny how you learn the facts of life OUTSIDE the classrooms.   Now I’m starting to sound like a cynic.

Don’t you just love how optimistic kids are?  Ask them what they want to be and they’d chirp out answers with such conviction that you’d actually feel how they believe that dream is so easy to reach.

I wish that those rose-colored glasses didn’t have to shatter because I definitely need it more NOW than I did back when I have them, read: when I was about 8 years old.

Isn’t it ironic how cynical we become when we learn more about the world?  We should be feeling more established and certain of ourselves as we grow and learn.  Instead, what we learn disillusions us.  Reality has a way of dragging us down from the clouds we’ve been dreaming in.

I know I’m not the only one who feels like this and I didn’t post this to make you feel worse.  I just wanted to air this out somewhere because this isn’t exactly something that you tell someone in person without a warning or opening topics.

Fact # 3: I am NOT going to be like this forever but I just.can’t.hammer.it.into.my.brain.

I know that i’ll get out of this funk eventually.  I have to.

It’s just that my life is currently at a standstill and maybe I have too much time in my hands and I’m thinking about the future too much.  My pessimism is creeping in and the negative vibes are getting to me no matter how hard I try to shake them off.

I’m currently working on a project to keep me occupied until I leave for my Europe tour on November and I’m having rather a lot of problems with it.  I feel like I’m going nowhere with it and normally I’d just scrap the idea but I don’t want to do that because it’s something I’m actually passionate about.

I don’t know if this project of mine will work but I really want to try.

This is when people will usually say: You’re young, you have your life ahead of you, you should just do what you want. Live your life to the fullest.

Easy for you to say buster.  Yes, I know that my life is ahead of me and I freakin’ DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. kbye.

Fact # 4: I have a degree for a fall back career but it doesn’t make me feel better at all.

But I don’t know if I can actually do PR work for a living.  I don’t enjoy it.  I’m thinking of other work related to my course but I can’t form any definite plans or find anything I really like.  I don’t even know if I will actually succeed if I do what I really want to do.

Welcome to the horror story of someone who has fear of the unknown.  Which is exactly what this post is.

I feel so uncertain about my future.  There are times when I think about it so much that it becomes a big whirling tornado that’s threatening to gobble me up alive if I don’t figure out what I should do.

In the end I console myself with the thought that I’m too caught up thinking about the future that I’m forgetting about living my present life.  But it just isn’t enough this time.  I need GUTS and AIR.  LOTS OF IT.

Hopefully I’d figure something out after the trip.  I need a break from the city, from the four walls of my room, my house and everything.  I need some timeout and just enjoy myself and stop stressing myself out in advance.

I’d like to end this post with a quotable little quote I came up with early tonight.  If you’re my facebook friend, you would have seen this already. Anyway, here it goes:

I don’t envy successful people for their money. I envy them for knowing where they want to be and actually getting there.

To you, who actually sat through my online rant and read my entire post, thank you.  I just needed to let this out and relate to someone about this shiz.  In case you have some advice or thoughts regarding this, do drop me a comment.  I’d really appreciate it.

XOXO

Erika

P.S. Will resume my outfit and fashion posts tomorrow.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. purplepen permalink
    July 30, 2011 2:32 pm

    Hey there! I run into this post after seeing the sea green nail polish. I love it, by the way. Anyhow, I can’t help not to leave a comment. If it’s any consolation, I’m living with the same dilemma for almost two years now and it scares me too. I know what I want but I can’t and don’t have the guts of doing something to get there. True enough, trying is the hardest thing to do. It’s easy to say that we should try but the part where you actually do it is not because reality is often not the best place to be. But then it’s even harder to meet regret face to face. Believe me, I deal with that every single day too. So whatever that thing you want to do, do it. If you haven’t figure that out, you will. You just have to make it sure it’s what you love because honestly, no matter how you shove that away, you’ll always go back there. If you need someone to cheer you, I’d be happy to help. I might not be living the best picture of pursuing a dream but I know what it’s like not living it. Good luck there! 😉

  2. Tumamps permalink
    July 30, 2011 3:23 pm

    It is indeed very hard to start trying, experienced it first hand and a lot of time to boot. Anyway, don’t think deep and just do. Things do start with a single step. ;]

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